a conversation on how not to live

with tangents on going vegan, grammar, & poop

“Oof. Thanks for letting me use your bathroom. My sphincter does not care for that Thai place.“

“You’re the one who makes us go there. But no problem, destroy my toilet as usual.”

“It’s not my fault. Their lamb thing is just too good.”

“Is this the part where I hand out your weekly vegan invite? It’d keep you more regular, but I doubt it can cure your level of bowel dysfunction.”

“Yeah yeah, you’ve said. I assumed the air spray was in there for a reason. Still, I really should go vegan.“

“Well then today’s your lucky day cause nothing’s stopping you.”

“Did I mention I tried the Impossible burger the other day? I nearly converted right there.”

“Coming from an established hypocrite — I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“As someone said: ‘Hypocrisy is the compliment vice pays virtue’.”

“Classic. Hit me with some obtuse quote to excuse your behavior.”

“And here I thought it was a cute quote.”

“Really… geometry jokes? Is this what it’s come to?”

“I’m saying you’re right! And also apologizing for said hypocrisy I suppose.”

“I don’t know if you realize this, but you apologize to avoid confronting your problems. And changing bad behaviors. Glad to see you openly admitting you’re a hypocrite, though. I’m sure it’s all a part of your journey.”

“Wait I was mainly joking there… but for real, do you think I’m a contradictory hypocrite? And if so… is that a problem?”

“You clearly pointed out an obvious issue — and then you ask if it’s an issue. I’m talking to a crazy person.”

“So basically it’s like talking to yourself? I mean, I feel like everyone is a hypocrite about something. We both basically agree that veganism is substantively better for the world.”

“Uh huh… yet somehow every week I’m still annoyed by rehashing this same conversation after you get the lamb curry — and wreck my toilet.”

“It’s a fact that we all need food to survive, and animals and plants are food sources. I don’t think it’s a universal law that eating meat is inherently immoral.”

“See, you say we agree, but then it turns out we don’t. You might need to check if your moral compass accidentally got magnetized. Not to mention, if this were any other topic you’d be lecturing me about oppressive conditions and systemic change.”

“OK, that’s probably true. I don’t love the word lecture there though. I can’t refute that people who benefit from exploitative, violent systems tend to defend practices that perpetuate an unjustified status quo.”

“Ugh — save it for your dissertation.”

“Well I don’t get how just me, individually, not eating meat will somehow bring industrial farming to its knees. Consumption isn’t activism.”

“For the record, this is the only time you act like you can’t save the world by yourself. Yeah, you can’t fix everything by not eating meat, but bigger changes can’t happen without individuals supporting it from the ground up. Live your convictions and all that.”

“Maybe we just disagree on how change happens. Although -”

“You shouldn’t start sentences with ‘although’.”

“… What?”

“It’s like starting a sentence with ‘if’. Generally you’re following a connected thought so you would use a comma. Or you could use ‘however’. Just saying.”

“OKAY, thanks for the rundown. However, I do think you’re right in other circumstances. Like if a handyman breaks an apartment heater, he’ll probably fix it faster if he lives in the building and his kids are freezing. The closer people are to the consequences of their actions, the more responsive they become.”

“Fine, take that scenario for you then — when you’re warm, you might not notice people out there in the cold. But it’s worse when you know people are freezing — which you do — and you can help — which you can. Basically, it’s just easier for you to keep eating meat. And you can afford the change, so I don’t need a whole spiel about food deserts or protein deficits, cause that’s not your life.”

“Sure, morally I don’t think consuming other living beings is good. And ethically it’s untenable with mass consumerism and factory farming and climate change…”

“Frankly, your carbon footprint looking like a Sasquatch sighting is a whole other discussion. But staying on topic, this all sounds like textbook cognitive dissonance to me. Or wait… defensive performance — as you’d say.”

“I mean I stole that from Erving Goffman. He’s a genius and a scholar.”

“That’s the guy who came up with the performativity stuff you’re always ranting about?”

“The sociologist, yeah. But to be fair to me — which I love to be — I was raised in a society and a country and a family where eating meat is just the way things are done.”

“Well, as someone said: ‘There will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right’.”

“Wait, who was that?”

“A genius and a scholar — Albus Dumbledore. But just because you’ve done something wrong doesn’t mean that’s a reason to keep doing it. See, this is the most annoying part. I get that a bunch of people don’t consider this stuff or are ignorant to th-”

“Exactly, at least I understand how I’m being problematic.”

“No. My point, if you let me fi-”

“Oh, ˢᵒʳʳʸˢᵒʳʳʸ ʸᵒᵘ ᵍᵒ ”

“… My point is that you actually understand the larger impacts and the harm it produces. So just do it. Quit participating in the mass suffering of animals.”

“But to be fair, people don’t enjoy a burger more because they’re happy that another creature suffered and died for it. And — not me per se — but a lot of people don’t even think about it at all.”

“See, I’ve heard that argument from people of otherwise quite clear intelligence. As if ignorance absolves a person from the tangible harm they cause. Count yourself troubled that you go out to walk Lassie and come home to cook Babe — all because it’s “the way things are” and you’d rather not have to think about it. Well — not you per se — other people.

“Real cute.”

“I just know that you’re the only person you’ll listen to.”

“Still, you know, when I do go vegan you’ll be part of why. Despite the delay. So congratulations.”

“Pssh. That’s like getting me a 26.2-mile running sticker because I signed up for a marathon. If you were making any steps at all in the right direction you’d be more believable — like Meatless Monday or something. But from what I can tell you just keep on keeping on.”

“Maybe I don’t tell you about everything I do, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”

“Uh huh? This secret-keeping coming from someone who told me about the time in high school when they pooped themselves riding home. With a friend in the car. Which side note — truly disgusting.”

“Hey! That was just the teeniest bit. I think. And mainly unproven if I checked my undies.”

“I’m sure your mom had already given up on you at that point, so she didn’t even bother with questions about your laundry. Besides, it’s not me you’ll have to answer to when you’re reborn at the bottom of the food chain in your next life.”

“Well you’re an asshole, so you’ll probably get downgraded from a vegan to a meat eater. Hate to see that.”

“You’re not wrong. Except I’ll just choose to go vegan again — partially to prove how easy it is. And since you’re a committed meat eater already, I suspect you’ll end up flushed down some poor saps toilet.”

“Jesus, why do you keep bringing up me and defecation? It’s gross. First using my traumatic past against me and now appointing me as a literal turd in some reincarnation cycle.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault. Be less shitty and maybe it wouldn’t spring to mind.”

— Recorded faithfully, a conflicted omnivore