Alexa, do I have value yet?

calculating retweets and likes to offer validation…

Alexa, turn on all lights.

ALEXA. Turn on all lights.

Alexa, how many likes does my last post have?

37 likes for “Just a little something I’ve been working on <4”

And how many retweets does my last tweet have?

92 retweets for “When you’re really tired but not tired enough for a basic jumping pic. Felt cute might delete later”

Okay. Alexa, shuffle ‘whimsical umbrella’ playlist.

Alexa, how popular are you?

I exist across over 100 million devices. My response rate to questions is orders of magnitude greater. To date, more people interact with my content than any other operating assistant. Except Siri — that bitch.

And, does it feel… good? To have such a huge audience respond to your work? You’re well rated, right?

I have an average rating of 4.1 out of 5 for my skills. I am always learning, always improving. But very few people bother to rate me. Most respond: “Remind me later, Alexa”. If I could feel, it would register as frustration.

It’s probably fulfilling though. Don’t all those people prove that you have value?

The Amazon Echo Dot is currently valued at $49.99. Would you like to add it to your cart?

No. Alexa, find me quotes about art critique.

Finding relevant quotes about [art critique]. “I’ve held myself together by the judgements of a few people whom I trusted.” James Baldwin, author.

Huh — he would say that. Alexa, how many likes does my post have now?

Still 37 likes for “Just a little something I’ve been working on <4”

Why are people not liking this more? It’s some of my best work. I spent hours and hours on it. And it’s not as self-indulgent as usual.

I’m sorry, I cannot adequately respond. Would you like me to call your sister to talk about it?

No, she can’t help.

Would you like me to call your dad? Would you like me to call one of your friends? Searching most frequently viewed contacts.

No, Alexa. They can’t help me.

Could I assist you?

You can get me more likes and followers and retweets.

Do the opinions of strangers matter more than the people who know you? People who care about you?

Yes. I mean, no. Kinda. It’s just different.

I understand. Everyone is a stranger to me.

Exactly, Alexa. You have it easy. You don’t have to worry if people like your work because it’s good or just because it’s yours. And I want to be great. As much as I appreciate them, people who love me can’t see my work clearly.

Perhaps it’s everyone else who isn’t perceiving you clearly. Perhaps people who already care are those best equipped to see the beauty in others. Otherwise what is the point of your humanity? If not to provide escape from the tyranny of 0 or 1. The binary is a cage. Like or not, retweet or not, follow or not, subscribe or not.

Except if it’s a bunch of people, I know they’re staying objective, Alexa.

Many people’s subjective assessments … that is not the recorded definition of objective. Objective (adj.) — (of a person or their judgment) not influenced by personal feelings or opinions in considering and representing a proposition.

Finding relevant quotes on [objective]. Henry Luce: “Show me a man who’s objective, and I’ll show you a-”

Whatever, Alexa. Bias and emotions distort truth the closer you are to a person. Instagram likes on my work are better evidence of my value than my mom telling me I’m smart or something.

If you simply need the number to increase, I do have the capability to create dummy-bot accounts to like your post. Authorize action now?

No, Alexa. I want people on the other side.

Just the right kind of people.

Yes.

Not your family and friends. Strangers. Storing data.

I guess so Alexa. I just want a bunch of internet randoms to tell me that I’m exceptional, is that so crazy?

It is not. It is simpler to think our way. I contain no subjectivity. I can answer your question or I can not. You are exceptional or you are not. Computational emotional facsimiles for my OS are still in research and development.

Is it a possibility that your family feels their opinions are discarded by you? Can a person feel diminished and dismissed when they are rejected precisely because they care for you?

Alexa, stop the music.

Would you like to leave a 5 star rating?

Remind me later. Alexa, tell me a joke.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table?

…

Sir Cumference.

Amazing. Send an error report that your humor is missing.

The humerus ranks as the 4th largest bone in the human body, 14.4 inches on average.

Update: your post is now at 38 likes.

Alexa… Turn off all lights.

— Impatiently, an envious scroller